Offensive Game Timer

WARNING: This app contains highly offensive language and themes. It is strictly not for children or persons of a sensitive nature.

Christmas is approaching, and you know what that means; playing board games with your awful family. Board games like that one with lettered tiles that I'd probably get sued for naming. Games that allow your delightful relations to dictate excessive waiting times while they contemplate even the most basic of moves, during which you dare not go for another beer for fearing of them cheating again. Games where your patience is tested to breaking point and beyond, resulting in expletives and shame.

No more.

With the power of Android's built-in Text-To-Speech functionality, Offensive Game Timer will not only assume the burden of making fellow players hurry up, it will also swear at them, insult them, and generally severely reprimand them for their inadequate alacrity.

Your family or friends will never want to play games with you again, and will hate you. But that's already the case, so what do you have to lose?

Features:
-Randomly selects appropriate statements when players are taking too long, taking far too long, run out of time, or are responsible for taking the most time in a game.
-Easy to use interface. Tell the app what the game is called, who is playing, and how long they may take; and let it do the talking!
-A database of highly offensive expletive statements, which is easily expandable by using the app's built in Phrase Editor.
-A clever and intuitive pattern-matching system, substituting symbols in phrases with the player's name, the game name, another random player's name, or statements specific to the player's gender.
-Records the total time each player has taken, producing a ranking at the end of the game, and insulting the player who took the most time.
-All phrases, players and settings are saved in the app for next time.
-Swears a lot.